Where does this love go to now?
My grief so far….
I never thought I was an affectionate person. Growing up I didn’t want to be touched and I use to make an argument with friends about how stupid it was to hug one another in hallways or doors at school. I didn’t know if I could ever be capable of showing my affections, my love to anyone but then my brother got cancer.
My brother passed away on July 27, 2024 at the age of 32 at Loma Linda Hospital. I wasn’t there like I had wished I would have been. I was with him through most of his cancer journey. I sat beside him when he got the news of his stage 4 diagnosis by the Grim Reaper’s assistant aka Radiologist. I rode so many waves with him back in 2022 and 2023. I was there when he got the news of his remission in November of 2022. We had gone through it all together and I found myself for the first time in my then 29 years of living that I was capable of expressing my love to someone. I would hug him and stroke his hair and every minute of every day I reminded him how much I love him without feeling stupid or hesitant. He did the same, and for once in our entire relationship as siblings we weren’t afraid to show and receive love and affection.
Now that he is gone I don’t know what to do with it. The grief has made the world numbing, a nightmare where everything isn’t real and I keep hoping that I will wake up and he will be here again. I have tunnel vision. But as this week of his passing turns into two weeks I am overwhelmed by deep loneliness of losing someone I loved so unconditionally. Losing a part of my childhood, my past, my present, our future and most importantly, my heart. His death has been me feeling as if someone scooped up my insides and put them in the garbage disposal. I can’t eat, I can’t think, and most importantly, I don’t know where to place this love I still have left inside of me. Who is worthy of it now? How will I know they won’t take advantage of it? Could they give some of theirs back to me?
People are telling me that Jacob is with me but, I don’t feel him here. I didn’t feel a release when I received the news of his death (in an AMC bathroom stall no less) like everyone tells you it would be. I haven’t had dreams about him but, I did have one involving Tim Robbins whatever the hell that means. No birds or lightening or aura has engulfed me, telling me that he is here with me. That he is ok wherever it is he is at now. Heaven is starting to feel like a pyramid scheme or some Neverland Fairytale the more times people tell me that he is there. Is he? The hardest thing is not knowing if there really is a place for him after all this suffering and how I couldn’t go with him to make sure he was going to be okay.
I’m trying to fight my grief process. My impatience to be “normal” or back to being productive is keeping me from wanting to sink into the pits of my loss. I can’t think forward nor can I think of the past. Time doesn’t exist for me at the moment. I am trying to hide my pain and my heartache because that’s how I've always survived. I get angry at the wrong people because I no longer know what I want from them yet, I need them but am too afraid to tell them. I detach and snap at everyone because I don’t trust myself around anyone. Sometimes I’m so scared to be held because I know deep down that is what I really need. I need someone to show me love and kindness the way I give to others. I want to punish myself as well as, I am finding myself doing now, punish others in my path. I am smoking again (Sorry, David Lynch I know you said its bad now.) and I am drinking at gatherings just to get through the time I have to be around people. I want them to see me as strong, I don’t need to cry here in front of you. But I want to cry and I want to talk about my brother and cry some more. I want to give someone my love again but, I also want someone to give their love back to me. For once in my life, I want someone to take care of me.
When my brother lived with us back in 2022 he would ask me to lay with him. Sometimes I needed the break from spending every single minute with him but I knew that we had only so much time together. One time I did break down and I told him through tears, “It’s not fair Jacob. I will do anything to have you here,…I’ll kill animals and babies and old people if it keeps you here with me.” In the last two months of his life he needed someone with him all the time because he was so scared to be alone. He would want me to hold his hand or hold him for however long he needed and sometimes I didn’t want to let go. When I arrived at the hospital to say goodbye I held him and kissed his face and hands hoping in some idiotic way that perhaps my love would be so strong he will wake up. He wasn’t really gone. He just fell asleep, a deep sleep and he’s ok now. Another dumb fairytale. I move around like this dull magnet now. I am trying to cling onto something or someone who will understand me, who will comfort me, who will love me. But the one I want is no longer here to do that, to receive that.
I don’t know how long till this passes or if I want it to pass. Or who will be left when I am no longer trudging through this mud and fog. Jacob was the first person I ever loved, who knew me inside out. We were a year and a half apart but I always saw us as twins. Jacob and Jade. Ying and Yang. I feel like I left him someplace and can’t remember the address so i’m just driving around aimlessly hoping to find him someplace soon.