Goodbye 2023
End of the year reflections
Today is the last day of 2023. This year felt like a decade by which I felt that I lived so many lives. I don’t feel any better for it to be absolutely honest. I feel a lot of loneliness and sadness as I close another year of self discovery.
In all honesty, I don’t know who I am anymore but I don’t think I ever did. Majority of my life has been me trying to balance everyone’s moods, their pain, their wants and desires that I never found out who I was outside of them. I know what I don’t want but ask me what I imagine to be better all I can give you is a shrug because I haven’t a clue. Though a majority of the time I’m too afraid to say the things I truly desire, that I actually feel. I keep myself at an arms distance out of fear of rejection, vulnerability. It felt that by trying so hard to being a moderator for others I was never afford the time to figure what it is that makes me happy. If I were to actually tell you what could make me happy it will just allow the possibility of being more hurt than when I keep my mouth shut.
My therapist asked me on numerous occasions if I thought anyone actually knew who I was. I don’t think they do. No one seems to know what could make me happy or what I possibly like. I think of birthdays and Christmas were gift giving feels like an act of kindness and love for the person. You spend the year listening and storing the many things a person enjoys and you curate a gift that speaks to them. That tells them that you care, you listened. But often times I find that no one knows what exactly I love or care about. Call me sentimental but I love seeing a person I love and care for open a gift I spent time gathering for them. I just wish for the same in return. The best thing I ever did this year was make a playlist for someone with whom I wanted them to know that I was listening to them, that I had spent time making something for them that would make them feel understood, seen, cared about. I just wished someone could give me that same type of care in return.
2023 was the year of dissatisfaction and saying the phrase “I don’t know” when asked what I want. It seemed that my creativity came early in the year but dried up by the summer. I did a play that gave me the opportunity to be creative once again but I found it difficult, questioning if acting was still my passion. I wrote on here more than I imagined because I wanted to impress someone who I had grown to admire but why am I always trying to impress others and not myself? Even when I did write I doubted it. I still think I’m incapable of being a writer or poet. This stream of consciousness is all just this awful, self indulgent bullshit.
Looking through my journal this year all I can hear was my deep longing for connection. I am not close with my parents or much of my family often referring to myself as an island. I don’t have a lot of people to turn towards. My mom has told me on numerous occasions that I am too intense for many people. The fear of being forgotten by others spoke volumes in my entries as I feared that friendships would fizzle over time, love will be revoked, and my presence on others would leave no permanent mark in their lives. It sounds vain which maybe it is but aren’t we all just a little selfish in our wanting of love and validation? Don’t we all crave the joy of being singled out by someone? To be admired? The only problem for me with those longings is that I know deep down at the end of the day I’m always second best. And as I grow older and the craving for more human connection becomes a hunger I can no longer control, I fear that this loneliness is just permanent.
As we enter 2024 I’m entering a new decade as I turned 30 this past fall. The anxiety over my now aging body, my mortality seem so high now. Perhaps it’s because I am facing sickness sooner than most people my age thus, making me scared that my time on earth is so limited. January will be 2 years since my brother was diagnosed with cancer and I can’t help but think of the remanding years I have left. Smash Mouth was right when they sang “The years start coming and they don’t stop coming”. People my age are getting married, having babies while I’m already thinking about death. I thought a lot about children this year and whether or not I’ll ever have them. I use to think I would have at least one child but now, I can barely afford taking care of myself. My brother told me that I would make a great mother one day.
I’m sure you would not be surprised to know I don’t like making resolutions on the new year. Too much pressure. Though, I try to give myself small ones like I hope in 2024 I attend poetry readings, publish a poem somewhere, get a new job, I finally get a boyfriend. Last year in my much more cheerful end of the year Substack I wrote how I wanted to be more creative and I accomplished that. I got to act in a play and I wrote pretty consistently on here. This didn’t feel like a very cheerful end of the year post but I suppose it at least made you feel less alone in your own battles with loneliness, depression, existentialism, etc. I tell this a lot to my friends in that it’s ok to embrace the grief and sadness that you feel. We as a society never give us the space to express these uncomfortable emotions so I will give you that space.
Happy New Year and be easy on yourself in the coming months. I hope you find some joy and peace in 2024.